I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
