Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
