i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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