This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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