How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
