she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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