just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
