I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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