i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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