I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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