i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
