just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
