I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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