is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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