i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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