Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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