Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
