He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
