Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
