You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I want a musical about memes.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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