Jerry, you need to find god
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
