capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
