I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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