peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
