I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
