I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
