if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
no more duck duck goose at the bar
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
