There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
