I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
