Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
