got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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