I just pynch a tree in the face
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
