I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
