the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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