the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
