I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
