The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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