Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
