I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
