I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is Oprah even human
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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