someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize