Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
