She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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