There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
