Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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