Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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