would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
