He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
