I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
