Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
