i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I smell like Dick and happiness
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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