my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
