i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
PANTIES FOUND
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