i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
