I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I party with great urgency now.
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