im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
