i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
