Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
