so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
