my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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