its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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