I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
